When your heart hurts you can’t take a painkiller, there’s no one way to soothe the pain that life and loss can bring. Our instinct can be to hide from the world, to stay away from others because we feel jaggy. Sometimes that’s helpful for a while but what we really need is connection with others. To allow ourselves to be loved and cared for. To be with our tribes and not have to explain yourself. And for me, also chucking myself along bike trails. I had the chance to do all of that visiting Canada again for the first time in four years.
I fell in love with Newfoundland in Canada 15 years ago, after being invited over by a fellow trainer and friend, who also sadly passed away a few years ago. I was made to feel so welcome and was blown away by the hospitality and generosity of these good people. Friends at home thought it was weird that I could find so much joy at a suicide prevention training conference, but I did. And I learned from the Newfies that I was now FFA – Family From Away. I was so happy to share this feeling with some UK colleagues and to show them round the place I’d fallen in love with. Sharing adventures, fun, food and laughter with with them was also precious and healing.
I can’t exactly say why I feel so much affinity with others who are working to prevent suicide and to educate others in reducing stigma and how to talk to people when they are struggling with suicide. I think maybe because it just really bloody matters! And also it feels like doing something in the world that makes a difference. No, we can’t stop everyone thinking about suicide from acting on their thoughts. But even helping one person in a lifetime feels worthwhile. And being with people who think the same is so life affirming for me.
I also loved every minute that I got to cycle in Canada. Some of it on a fantastic borrowed bike – again the generosity of friends in Newfoundland. But some of it was on a hired e-bike – without the speed restrictions that we have in the UK! Oh boy, I enjoyed that far too much. Bombing along the trans-Canada trail on the old railway routes, I could get used to that. And was I going so fast that I fell off? Of course I flipping was. Skinned knees and a sore hand but no permanent damage.
But I wasn’t zooming so much that I missed the scenery. It is an incredible landscape, much of it like Scotland, but bigger. The stunning autumn reds and golds among the mighty evergreens was breathtaking. And the complete silence on these trails was salve for the soul. I didn’t see any moose or bears, a good thing, although it would have been super exciting. Lots of chattering squirrels. And just miles and miles of open trails.
I know that nature can heal me. It is the place where I feel most like myself. It is where my body remembers what it felt like to be a child looking for the best leaves and stones and staring at the clouds with awe. But I am also human and need human connection. Back home I have tribes I connect to.
I don’t think it’s an accident whether or not you find people in the world you can be deeply connected to. I think it happens when you are true to what your heart needs. When you are honest with yourself about what matters to you. I know there’s so many jobs I could do to earn more money, but I choose this because it matters to me. I choose life. I choose to be with others either consciously or unconsciously because this stuff matters to them too. And because they make me feel that I matter. And that by being together we can make a difference in the world. My life matters.
Type 1 Cycologist 